question 5: someliberation theologians understand christ as liberator,while the Vatican worries that this term understates some aspects of salvation as it has been traditionally understood. how is your understanding of Christ's cross and resurrection being affected by what you see around you? what vision of Jesus did you bring with you? is it harder to believe in a Jesus who offers a personal relationship of faith to everyone? In what sense does Jesus save or liberate us? what does it mean to believe in or follow Jesus?

response:

Jesus this question is multifaceted! I never understood the commandment about taking the lord’s name in vain..what does that mean anyways? I guess I’m probably going to hell because I say Jesus Christ a lot out of habit: like the other day when I got stuck on the 105 and couldn’t get off. After I missed my stop and descended a good ten minutes in bus passing by all the normal stops where people were waiting to board because the bus was too lleno to accommodate more people and so it just kept going- it took me twenty minutes to walk back up that hill and I almost didn’t make it off the second time either because someone stepped on and was holding my shoe hostage until I shoved them with both hands and jumped off the moving piece of shit box of metal as it rattled away likewise I rattled off all the swear words I knew and continued to mutter under my breath until the walk helped me get over it and I arrived at work not hating Nicaragua anymore. I guess I was trying to keep it light with that story but alas I have to say something deeper about JC.

First of all how can you understate salvation? I’ve hear LT criticized for emphasizing the humanity of Christ over his divinity but if you ask me that makes more sense anyways to see him as human first. Like Yamil said the other day, what good is a theology that doesn’t affect your life; JC was about radically changing the social norms and the life of el pueblo here on earth in this lifetime with his cross and if anything the danger lies in thinking of him as anything less than fully human and relegating his freaking challenging radical message to the spiritual or post-mortem realm. I guess my vision of JC is this humble, amazing, creative, super intelligent, charming, personable, approachable, relatable, kindhearted, spiritual, compassionate, aesthetically pleasing, confident man- all the best of humanity in this one guy. It’s funny because I can remember a point in my life where I was so incredibly self-righteous and hypocritical, my theology was precisely that-all about a personal relationship with Jesus but who the hell was I talking about? It’s hard to explain without feeling myself offending people or stepping on toes but since this is my reflection I feel the need to be honest and I guess sometimes it comes off as harsh.

I’ve started by realizing that at one point I was in that place myself but I find myself increasingly suspicious of people who use the term personal relationship with Jesus because one of the main things I’ve learned from Latin America is the importance of community and the view of salvation as something that was always meant for the collective, not the individual. While I have no doubts that God loves each and every one of his creations I don’t believe in praying for a parking spot as my mother and I have argued about or asking God for something like good luck on a test. Maybe if I’m really desperate I’ll cave in and say a quick prayer to calm the nerves but my heart’s not in it sincerely asking for a miracle to rearrange the bubbles on the scantron sheet. But the point is I don’t think this great mystery who is greater than great and larger than our minds can contain fits into our own personal pocket and it seems absurd to pray for an open parking spot. At the same time I believe God is closer to us than water is to a fish and that Jesus’ example of calling God abba is very relevant indeed. I’m guess what I’m not saying is that one shouldn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus but that I get freaked out if you keep talking about it and pushing it down people’s throats because who exactly is it that you’re talking about? I guess it comes off as the opposite of humble and it makes me question what vision of Jesus that person is walking around with and many times to my horror it’s not the Jesus I recognize but a twisted creation of someone’s own needs and desires. Even the Nazis had their God right?

So how is my understanding of Christ’s cross and resurrection being affected here? It’s flipping heavy. Some days it seems impossible to keep taking those steps and you stop for a second and ask yourself ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ Why did I choose this, why am I carrying around this enormous weight when I could just as easily drop it or pass it to someone else? I guess the biggest crosses here have been bearing the weight of our privilege, our government’s foreign policy both in the past and present, our participation in an oppressive system, the lack of protest or struggle for change, just having to sit and know that I’m a jackass and I cannot change the past. So to summarize, my vision of Jesus is constantly growing and changing but I cannot think of a better place for this to happen than the third world, if you’re really searching I think that’s where you find Christ-in the people who are closest to him by their very nature. Gracias a dios is more than just a phrase here, it’s a way of life just as this ‘savior’ of ours was a poor son carpenter.

Question 6: by now, you've hard a great deal about the role of the churches in Nicaragua. it is difficult not to be discouraged when hearing some of this history. one wishes for more Oscar Romeros, but there seem to be fewer saints of this sort in the church of Nicaragua. how is this experience affecting your understanding of yourself as a Catholic or Christian? are the churches responding to people's needs as they ought to today? if not, why not? what does it mean to bind yourself to a church while recognizing its inadequacies? is there a point at which such binding becomes impossible?

So being here in Nicaragua I’ve learned quite a bit about evangelical churches, including but not limited to Jehovah’s witnesses and my campo mom who attended the evangelical church instead of the catholic one in La Reina. The evangelical churches continue to grow while the Catholic Church shrinks each year especially among the youth. I was shocked to learn that Nacho, a friend from the base community of catorce de septiembre, attended an evangelical church in addition to the catholic cbc. In reality, it’s not uncommon for people to attend more than one church and at least one of them is Pentecostal if not all. It’s very hard for me to grasp what the appeal of these churches is exactly but here is a list of possible reasons we’ve either heard or come up with: attending the service is like a vacation from reality-no thinking, enthusiasm, music, no struggling, entertainment; it fills the need for community more than the catholic church; participation/everyone has a voice/it doesn’t matter your social economic status; women join in hopes of getting their husbands to join and follow the strict moral code-mainly stop drinking alcohol or stop abusing them; more emotion, charismaticism; the theology explains poverty to some degree, offers wealth in exchange for faith; the classic exchange for suffering now, salvation and riches in the future. Having conversations with people here like Don Leonardo and hearing him say things were better under Somoza, that the Sandinistas are to blame for rising prices of food and oil for all the social ills of the country and that Nicaragua is so poor because of the corruption of the government as well as the sins of the people. What kind of God is that? The God who condones a brutal dictatorship and punishes people with unreal poverty for the sake of their sinfulness or the corruption in their own lives and the lives of their leadership? For me, it’s very hard to grasp or understand this kind of belief.

As for the Catholic Church here I feel like when I answer people’s questions about what religion I follow especially after I explain we’re studying theology I saw much more than I intend when I answer “catolica”. It’s a weird contradiction because there are priests like Romero and Joe Mulligan and Rafael but for the most part the Catholic Church and it’s hierarchy are oppressive and on the side of the powers, not the poor. So what does it mean to work from within for change? At this point in my life I’m saying screw the system and as much as people try to justify staying in it and not leaving (I’ve had a couple conversations with Ryan about this) I’m not convinced I’m wrong. I see the point to a certain degree-Romero was an archbishop and never resigned the post although I’d argue he transformed it and essentially cut all ties to the hierarchy. But for the most part the majority of my heroes- Che, Paul Farmer, Ana Manganaro, and last but not least JC – they fucked the system in their own individual ways. I swear a lot more when I’m here sorry if that’s offensive but I feel the need to emphasize things and a well placed cuss word seems to do that.

The other piece is that I feel many of these structures are too far gone to be redeemed without total destruction in order to rise from the ashes. Jesus didn’t speak of renovating the Jewish faith or Israel’s relationship to Rome or the poor to the rich but he was all about total inversion and sometimes we soften edges that are meant to remain sharp. It’s easier to live that way. So is there a point at which binding becomes impossible? Yes. And if we haven’t reached it yet we’re certainly close in my opinion. I don’t ever see the Catholic Church changing enough, taking enough of a stand to be authentic to Jesus’ message; rather I see the possibility for small groups of committed people to start living like another world is possible-a phrase I’ve heard several times down here-and through them start a movement to change. And although I want to really have hope and while I have to believe it’s possible some days I lament for what a fucked up world we’re living in, days that we go to la Chureca or days when I meet teenagers pregnant with their fourth or fifth kid and without a husband it steals some of your idealism.

Question 7

So there haven’t been any real revelations or things I didn’t already know way down deep or in the back of my head-thing like I probably shouldn’t shop at Wal-Mart, that I need to stop buying clothes or at least be aware of the maquila situation, no more pizza hut or dominos, I would say that I won’t ever drink coca cola again but let’s be realistic here-I’ll cut back. Organic café from now on; there are all these ideas that I’ve always know were good and had reasons but without experiencing them or meeting with the women from the maquila or visiting the café plantations I had no concrete reasons like I do now. I also feel the need to share my experiences and not in the sense of this is what I did and saw although obviously that is part of it but that through these experiences I’ve seen realities and learned truths that others need to learn through me to come to very concrete lifestyle/ consumerist changes. So yes I need to learn more about politics but at the same time I have always been pessimistic about the possibility for changes to come from the top down, to me there is almost no hope that I can put in the political system even if ojala Barack wins.

Yes I need to live more simply in terms of pretty much everything in my life-how I spend money, what I wear, which businesses or labels I choose to support economically, how I spend my free time, etc, etc. The best and most challenging thing is to know how little you really need in this life and then to not only internalize that but see it being lived out and from a very powerful theology that challenges you in ways that make you want to puke at all you have and question just exactly why you have it or why you aren’t letting it go. I can’t remember his name right now but the pastor at CIETS who’d left the catholic seminary something Ruiz, I will never forget his words that day and what an example he was living with his life. It’s so simple and yet it’s so incredibly hard! Quizas more so in the US to separate yourself from the system and drop off the grid. I feel like I’m always waiting for some magical moment in the future to change things around in my life and start living out my principles-it’s always getting pushed off but by being here it reaffirms that the time is right now and that life is short what the heck are we doing with our days and how can we be wasting them away when you’ve walked in the footsteps of people who live in garbage dump or seen these intense problems and realities and really experienced them. So what am I going to do with the rest of my life? First off I’m gonna try my darndest to live simply and radically and not be sucked back into the consumerist nonsense of the United States of America.

Secondly I will continue to reflect on these experiences and these realities in the developing world that only heighten my desire to go to medical school and to get done pronto to start working and I mean sweating and bleeding to change things from the bottom up. I can’t surrender to hopelessness but rather the need to dream that another world is possible and the only way I know how to work for that kind of change is to live an example and throw myself into the service of others and I mean really sacrifice to see that hope reflected in others’ eyes. So if I do come back to Nicaragua and to Latin America it won’t be for quite some time-after med school and paying off loans- but I refuse to entrap myself in this idea that I need to work to buy a house and a car and support a family when my motivation has always lied in following my passion and being a free spirit and I can’t imagine dying without seeing the rest or at least majority of the world. So in regards to one of the last questions I continue to write my theology with each day I wake up in the morning and I try to keep in mind that the unexamined life is not worth living because some days it’s just easier to walk around numb but that’s the biggest sell-out of all.

question 4: seeing poverty everyday as you are now is different than workign in a poor neighborhood and going home to your apartment or dorm room at night. as one former Puleo student said, you go to bed hearing it and wake up smelling it. you see it every time you walk down the street. your awareness of suffering caused by poverty is much more acute and personal now. how is this experience of poverty influencing your understanding of God? some say that it's impossible to believe in God in the face of such suffering, while others say it's impossible not to believe. does it make sense to say that God is present in the suffering, even if God doesn't do the Exodus every day, or is this inadequate? could coming into contact with poverty help you understand your own poverty and your need for God?

response:
what a rough question. i admit í've been procrastinating, trying
to think of someway to answer this thoroughly, without oversimplifying
or making it overly complex but it's deficil. does it make sense to
say that God is present in the suffering? first i think we need to
define suffering because there is a difference between poverty and
suffering. in the campo this past weekend everyone was poor but they
were smiling, the pictures ryan took of his family give testimony to
the fact that those kids were happy, sometimes the situation gets ugly
and kids are undernourished or malnourished or the dad is an
alcoholic, etc, etc but i think it is very rare that suffering is
inflicted upon someone from the outside. obviously poverty is a
different thing, it was the mere chance of being born into a poor
family, in a certain part of the world that made them poor, the
structures that are systematic in their creation of those who don't
have, it could have just have easily been me without the opportunities
just like i did absolutely nothing to deserve the things i've been
given. there's a difference between the bad hand you've been delt by
life (or vice versa) and how you respond within yourself. i think
it's a very western idea to assume pain should be avoided and even
eliminated from one's life. so i guess that's my first point, that i
didn't make very well, that poverty does not equal suffering all the
time, nor are people who suffer necessarily poor. so if the question
is do i see god in the poor-i say absolutely yes, God was poor and he
called the poor to him, offered them salvation from their oppression
and liberation from their tears. where else would God be? in the
rich? if one sincerely could answer yes to that question than i'd
question what Jesus, what god they were following. but if the
question is do i see God in poverty, i'd say no. poverty is ugly,
it's dirty, it's smelly, it's cruel, it's scary and it's the fruit of
greed and sin and selfishness so how could God condone it let alone
have caused it? poverty itself is nothing to be romanticized because
it sucks, really sucks and it takes away a person's dignity and their
voice. but on the opposite spectrum excessive, disgusting consumerism
it could be argued does the same exact thing. so do i believe the
theology that we were learning yesterday in regards to some sectors of
the Pentecostal churches that you are poor because you don't have
faith, that you aren't blessed because of some hidden sin or defect
you possess and that the wealthy of this world are favored by God,
that they deserve everything God gives them? i think this is not a
god i want to know, this is not the god i find in Nicaragua or within
myself. it comes across to me as one of the many justifications for
horrible situations that the few wealthy want to maintain at the
expense of the rest and i still can't figure out why this greater
majority of people believe themselves to be bad, to be sinful? my
family is still trying to convert me to Jehovah’s witnesses but their
world view and view of human nature is so ugly and so harsh that i
can't help but wonder what they see of their own reality that i'm
missing? perhaps they see only the poverty and not the ´poor with
spirit´, the ones who smile and even though they have very little they
still have something that we are missing in the first world. so i'm
pretty sure i still have a lot to learn, and i'm afraid i'm not making
much sense or writing that understandably but who really understands
God, who understands why there is suffering in the world? you can ask
a million different people with a million different answers but if you
ask me i'll tell you i don't know, not completely, because any other
answer would be a lie, i see my family and they think they have the
entire truth, that they are Jehovah’s chosen ones and it's scary. i
don't know why the world is the way it is, i don't know why some
people were given shity hands and why others choose to ruin their
lives but i do know that the God i believe in is a humble servant, the
god i know doesn't side with the rich elite and make up reasons why
they have some kind of manifest destiny. and sometimes bad things
happen to good people but perhaps it's all a matter of perspective. i
think without coming into contact with poverty one has very little
chance of truly knowing this god; rather the god these people see will
be the classic enlightened english gentleman and somehow everything
gets wrapped up in personal sin and salvation and there is no
realization of reality, especially this reality of the poor. so once
again it comes down to perspective. i feel like i'm in the perfect
place to gain the perspective that i feel we need in the states, that
something about the way we live is drastically wrong. so maybe i
answered the question, maybe not but i'm going to go on asking it
either way.

question 3: living with a relatively poor family is one of the most significant parts of your trip. how is this experience of family shaping your understanding of what a Christian family is called to be? how does it feel to be a guest in your family's home? how does it make you feel about your own family? how is the experience of simple living with a family comfortable and uncomfortable? how does your experience of being a guest influence your own thoughts about the kind of hospitality you want to provide for others?

response:

so my family is middle class Nicaraguan which is quite different
from middle class US but also a world away from the rural family i
lived with last summer. i'm struck by how much they do have, three
tvs with cable, nintendo, cell phones...it seems like their aspiring
to the same level of consumerism and material possessions that we
have in the US and so the living simply part if i honestly look at it isn't
really present with this family. maybe my perspective is too far gone
i don't know but i feel just as privileged here.

it's a hard thing. the question states 'living with a
relatively poor family' and that's precisely the point i was trying
to make, poverty is relative and when i went to ben linder house last
week i heard a woman speak about the photography workshop she'd
done with kids from la trueca but coming from a childhood of refugee
camps herself she made this same point-poverty is relative, just as is
wealth. the thing that we need to get through our heads in the states
is that our way of life, our pace of consumerism is abnormal, the rest
of the world doesn't live like that, can't live like that because it
is simply not sustainable, and on closer look one might argue unjust
to live such a lifestyle. the phrase that keeps rolling through my
mind is 'live simply so that others can simply live'.
so i'm trying to throw in some positives about the family element
here in nicaragua and i'm afraid i'm coming off wrong here, my family
is the best...my brother and sister and two little brothers are lots
of fun and keep my occupied every minute that i'm home. my mom is
an amazing cook and they are always feeding me new and delicious
things, my older sister i have yet to go out dancing with but she is fun
as well. the strange thing is they are Jehovah’s witnesses and as such
hold some peculiar views but at the same time i feel like they aren't
that hardcore, maybe my father is. they sit down and have
conversations with me but they are definitely one sided and more than
just as far as my dad is the one who does all the talking, sometimes
someone can be so convinced they hold the truth and all of the truth
that dialogue becomes impossible. but i just sit and listen and who
knows by the end of this experience perhaps i'll be converted into
thinking it's the end of time and some other bizarre things in my
english version of their Jehovah’s witness magazine.
i perhaps feel a stronger familial connection with the staff at
AKF...even if they secretly think i'm serious and no fun because i
don't speak much or fill the room with my presence, i feel like they
were the first and greatest welcome that we could have ever hoped for.
Luis still blows my mind with how famous he should be, how great of a
man he is, all he's accomplished, his sense of humor. plus you Elena,
it really feels like from day one we walked into a family and in these
short short four weeks i feel so comfortable at the center that it is
like a second home. so what has it taught me about God, what he is
like? well if you think about it God is relational in nature if you
buy the trinity thing...father son and holy spirit share the very
essence of God-love. i've also been reinforced in my thinking that no
matter what label you wear-christian, buddhist, jew-the thing that
truly speaks is our works and how we treat one another. in that sense
i don't need to be told that AKF has anything to do with Christianity
to see that the work they do is good, that the staff has a piece of
God's glory in the way they care for us, the slow and clumsy gringos
with outstretched arms and open hearts. this is quickly dissolving to
cliché and sappy language but that's what families are all about
right? so if someone asked me what i liked best about Nicaragua,
while i might be tempted to say the trees, on deeper thought i'd have
to say the feeling i have on the way back from my social service site
and arriving to a place where i feel at home, with a family. and i
think that's what God wanted for everyone-to experience that feeling
of family and of love and it's precisely where things can go horribly
wrong, perhaps it's the greatest sadness to see children without
that...it makes me think of my family (biological that is) and be even
one hundred times more grateful for them and the childhood i
enjoyed-full of love and with two parents that still love one another
so much. i didn't do anything to deserve that but i can't help but
feel grateful and to feel so incredibly sad for the kids that didn't
have that growing up. how can it not affect your image of God, your
sense of who you are and what you're doing on this earth, your sense
of value and worth? el fin.

question 2: every day when you walk down the street, you are confronted with gender issues that are much less noticeable in the US. what is your experience of being a woman or man in Nicaragua? what privileges or limitations accrue to you by virtue of your sex? what is it like to be a part of a new gender system? what do you feel like saying or doing? what would have to happen for it to change? does Christianity play a part in encouraging the inequality you see? could Christianity play a part in changing it?

response:
these questions are really hard to answer. i don´t have very strong
feelings about gender issues because i guess it´s hard for me to
understand walking in someone else´s shoes or feeling discriminated
against when i come from a middle class family and have never
experienced inequality or discrimination first hand. the one thing
that does get me fired up is that the church is extremely patriarchal
in pretty much every aspect. to me, it´s sad to see how messed up the
various religions become, the difference between the beginning and
the present day religion. for example, in the early days of
Christianity the disciples ate and lived communally, there were women
who spoke to the small Christian communities and they had just as
much power and voice as the men. in Islam too women had some of the
most progressive rights in the middle east and Muhammad’s wife was
his partner and the first to hear his preaching, the first to believe and
encourage him. so what happened? humanity happened, errors
happened, greed and power and corruption happened. in liberation
theology of course women must be addressed because historically
they have been marginalized, stripped of rights and dignity and their
voice. JC shared meals with the prostitute and saved the adulteress from
stoning.
so after all this thinking i wonder where this attitude began, when
did men get the idea that women were somehow beneath them (or for
that matter anything else in creation). so i think the story of adam and
eve has done the world a great deal of harm. first somehow eve gets
blamed for disobeying God and eating from the tree of knowledge, but
it must be noted that while eve was tricked by the trickiest of
snakes-satan, adam was tricked by a mere mortal; who´s the smarter
one? also, in the ancient world the serpent was a symbol of fertility
and wellbeing, not of evil until this story pops up...one must also
ask what kind of god forbids human beings from having knowledge and
awareness? why would god test adam and eve in this way and then
chase them out of the garden of eden with bolts of lightening? my
professor last semester suggested that upon closer inspection this demy-
god of the garden of eden appears to be jealous of humanity that is formed
in the image of God and is afraid of loosing his own position and so he
sets the trap for humanity. furthermore he asked us if eating from
the tree of knowledge was a bad thing since afterwards Eve becomes the
mother of all humanity. i´m still not sure how to interpret this
story but i do know that women weren´t responsible for original sin
any more or less than men and furthermore that the great philosophers
plato and aristotle and even agustine later on were clearly wrong and
infuriating when they said the female was just a defective male. but
perhaps i´m off track with this question...do i feel any
discrimination here in nicaragua being a woman, not really i still
have white skin and i only say that because it seems extremely messed
up to me, after all these years white skin is still considered elite
and desirable. so if anything i feel like i have alot of privileges
that i don´t deserve here, the kindness people show me is incredible
and it boggles my mind sometimes. for instance last summer when i got
all my money stolen crossing the border from Guatemala to el Salvador
a nice man, a guardian angel if you will, gave me five dollars and made
sure i got the right bus to get where i needed to go. i can´t help
but think that would never happen in the US, if someone who sucked at
English got robbed and was lost i don´t see people going out of their
way like that to help them. i like to think i would, but we have all
these worries about personal safety and blah blah blah. so do i think
Christianity can change the inequality between sexes, i think that if
we were truly practicing and following Jesus this question would be
irrelevant. so like i said these are hard questions that i don´t know
if i ever can answer them completely but those were my thoughts.

question 1: in the last few weeks you've hard Nicaraguans raise questions about the virtue of the US government. although none of you came to Nica not knowing the US could be unethical, it is sometimes difficult ot hear so much criticism, especially when you are abroad and perhaps feeling your american-ness in a new way. how do you respond to what you've come to know about US involvement in Nicaragua? what does it mean to call yourself an American and a Christian in this context? in the 1960's, theologian John Courtney Murray, SJ argued that Catholics (who had originally been suspect to the Protestant majority because they were members of a church led by a pope) were good Americans, because they could affirm basic American beliefs in the primacy of God over any government, human rights, and the rule of law. Murray's critics believe that even this limited loyalty is too much for Christians who should stand apart from all nations, pledging loyalty only to God. Is it possible to pledge allegiance to both Christianity and America?

my response:

No. I wish I had my laptop to look up my reflections over this very
question in my war and ethics class that i took a couple semesters
back. I haven´t changed my mind- I still hold that "patriotism",
which in my opinión is always a form of nationalism, has no place in a
world of peace, of human rights & the kingdom of God. Coming back
from El Salvador I had nothing good to say about capitalism,
consumerism or the government. If anything I feel my Americaness, my
whiteness, my blondeness more here than anytime or anyplace else in my
life and I feel the need to apologize; feel the weight of
responsibility & wish to God that people could see beyond what they
see. The thing is that I am being seen, my presence speaks before I
open my mouth, unlike the invisibleness of the marginalized or the
blindness the enslaved peoples throughout history have faced. Even in
that sense I can´t shed my privilege; can't take off this huge neon
sign I seem to be wearing & I want to scream that's not who I am! I'm
not demanding your attention, your favor, your time I want to be
another face in the crowd for just a second & I want that my presence
speaks of me and not this rich, spoiled American (but then again I may
well be those things). How often do we really see beyond appearances
and see someone for who they are-that is seeing God in one
another; loving in a way that has no labels, no numbers, no categories,
no brands. I think that if one can accomplish that, they have
accomplished something of salvation.
We´ve been learning something here about having a prophetic voice and
so in that spirit I feel there is something very very wrong and sick
with American culture, and especially in the values that we hold, the
dreams we dream, and the mentality with which we relate with one
another and with mother earth. Carlos Ruiz said it very well that we
human beings are the biggest epidemic the world has ever seen and our
love of wealth is destroying the very planet. And so how can we, as
Christians, profess a pledge of allegiance to America when everything
that America stands for, especially in a world we're dominating and
exploiting where the majority of the world are living on less than a
dollar a day; how can we claim that this dream is Christianity in the
sense that we're following Christ. Liberation theology has perhaps
succeeded the most in recovering the humanity of the historic Jesus
and in doing so recovering the fact that he was poor, he lived a
simple life, and ultimately he died a humble death on a cross willing
to sacrifice his very life to bring about social change, to liberate
the poor from their oppression. And so in answer to the question I
lack all sense of patriotism and I'm highly suspicious of someone who
can pledge unfailing allegiance to any flag, any nation, any King on
this earth.

Medieval Pacifism & The Classical Just War Tradition

Reading Response Assignment

Amy Nuismer

2/19/07

The first question posed in Just War, Lasting Peace is whether or not one can be both a pacifist and allow for a just war. The answer to this question seems quite obvious to me. The answer is no. The early pacifists were absolute pacifists and completely rejected violent resistance. I think the authors of this book: Kleiderer, Minaert, and Mossa would agree with this stance based on their treatment of the pacifist tradition, “Christians who hold to the pacifist tradition, therefore, believe that it is not permissible for them to participate in war under any circumstances and that peace must be brought about in nonviolent ways” (Kleiderer, Minaert, and Mossa, p.20). However, in Fahey’s book War & the Christian Conscience he defines pacifism very differently and allows for selective pacifism in which supporting a particular just war is deemed possible (Fahey, p.30). I disagree with Fahey’s treatment of pacifism and while I agree that pacifism can be exemplified in varying degrees a true pacifist cannot allow for a just war because under no circumstances is war and bloodshed considered acceptable- it wasn’t acceptable for Jesus and it will never be the right answer.

The second question posed in Just War, Lasting Peace is about self-defense, both personally and as a nation. This is always a hard area to address within the pacifist tradition. The most important thing is to remember that Jesus did not counsel complete submission to oppression or persecution but rather his message was of non-violent resistance. The struggle that faces non-violence is that it is often misunderstood as weak and ineffective. Society is so engrained with violence- in the news, on television, in movies- and it is so often romanticized and idealized that we become desensitized to just how much it has taken control of our thoughts. Non-violent resistance also requires a calmness and awareness under pressure that must be honed and practiced, it requires creativity and strategy and a refusal to demonize the attacker or oppressor. All of these things make it a very difficult pursuit and yet I believe that non-violent resistance is indeed the most powerful transformative agent that we have and if we fail to use it in both our personal relationships and as a global community we will never overcome the violence that threatens to destroy our humanity.

The main justification for just-war theory by Cicero and later Ambrose and Augustine is practicalities and realities. They cannot formulate anything else to combat the problems facing their nation (Rome) except warfare and violent force. They therefore must formulate theologies and justify warfare because the only alternative that they can see is the destruction of self and of God’s created republic. However, the idea of fighting wars with the ultimate goal of peace cannot escape irony. I follow their arguments and I put them in their historical context and yet I wonder if they grappled with what they were writing. Did they believe this to be the ultimate truth-that war was inevitable and Jesus would condone it out of necessity?

In response to the second part of the question of whether we should consider ourselves Americans or Christians first I hope that our generation of globalization and instant communication will finally realize that we are all apart of a global community, our fate is tied up with the fate of man-kind and not just of America or Iraq or Vietnam. If we truly want an end to wars and peace on earth what other way is there than enacting our moral beliefs and converting our enemies? Some will say it isn’t practical, it isn’t reality but what I see is a war being fought in Iraq supposedly in defense of our American way of life and for our safety that is destroying more and more people daily.

The three most important points of the pacifist model in my opinion are: 1) social justice is the foundation of peace, 2) resistance should be nonviolent and 3) we must love our enemies. I feel that several of the ten key points listed overlap. For instance loving ones enemies encompasses there being no “good” and no “bad” guys. Additionally, in order for resistance to be nonviolent, nonviolence must be taught and inculcated in the general population for it to be effective. Social justice is essential in any endeavor to create peace because without that justice there cannot be the state of harmony, order or shalom that defines peace itself.

so once again i haven´t kept my personal promise to write something down everyday but in the midst of being frustrated with myself i suppose that memory works this way anyways and perhaps an experience is better remembered by the things worthy of note rather than a tedious adherence to daily reflection, not to say that i haven´t been reflecting at all but perhaps not to the extent that such a packed and heavy reality sets infront of you. today however was a nice break from stinky ugly and at time unbearable managua as we went hiking in a nature reserve named after the greed birds that live in the rocks-chocoyero. driving to the entrance of the reserve we saw pinas growing on the bush, bananas, and a whole lot of other fruits that i can´t remember or spell at the moment. one word stuck in my mind as my eyes tried to take in the green and the rocks and the mountains and the sky-the vast beauty of a tropical paradise: increible. we hiked with luis and gaby to a waterfall and the rock surface spanned with little caves where the birds constantly landed and took off from. we heard the calls of monkeys but didn´t see them up close, i still have yet to fulfill that mission of seeign a live monkey not attached to rope or put somewhere for tourists. the other goal left is to do sutures at the clinic but i fear with one day left i´ll have to wait until medical school although i have done every other think in the emergency room that there is to do: IM shots in the nalga and arm, subcutaneous insulin shots, IV injection, retiro de puntos, nebulization, bp, temps, starting IV drips...really it´s not that beyond the scope of a nurse assitant in the states so i don´t feel underqualified but it´s fun to practice and i haven´t really messed anythign up!
as i was saying before perhaps the best memories are the ones that really stick and of my time here meeting don alberto was a highlight. Ry an i stayed an extra night at the eco-lodge on tisey mountain after the rest of the delegation from santa cruz left and we set out on a hike that ended in the discovery of an old man with tattered pants and a dirty shirt who smelled of the earth and spoke without taking a breath in his urgency to point out each and every flower and fruit an tree in his own personal paradise that he´d been creating for thirty one years, carefully carving the cliffs of stone into pictures of indigenous women makign tortillas, a tribute to the twin towers, baby jesus in his crib, sandino and reuben dario, long anocandas and the santa maria of Columbus, all carved and recorded in stone along with his name over and over again. we walked away from that enchanted place after sitting at the top and listening to his solitary poems and his genorocity and passion for life as changed people, more sensitive to the magic that still exists and overwhelms you when you stumble upon it on a lazy afternoon filled with adventure. so even if i´d come to nicaragua this summer and only had that afternoon it would have been worth it. perhaps it´s the gabriel garcia marquez i´ve been reading that´s speaking but it truly was a magical little adventure set apart for every in my memory with a hope and a tranquility all its own. i did reach the point a couple weeks ago of asking myself what the hell am i doing here but the epoca passed and now i don´t want to think about leaving...time plays tricks on you in the sense that it never seems regular always speeding up of slowing down at the most inopportune moments-perhaps that´s the miracle of tisey time stopped for us and yet it didn´t really exist either.

part two of economic charla, it blows that it's taken me this long and i've forgotten some of what has been said. day two was coming from the opposite direction, about the values the bible upholds as being directly opposed to the economic system that exists today in our increasingly globalized world (mainly in reference to the US and Europe). so the first point is that when you criticize any system people expect a solution, a counter proposal if you will. the problem is that i don't have a magic system up my sleeve and i really have no idea what the solution looks like on a big scale, because change has always started from the base, revolutions begin in small communities that have the power to affect world conciousness, no matter how small in number and i have to believe that it is possible. so we started with the creation stories, in one of the stories human beings are the end and in the other just the beginning. woman, created after adam, is the pinnacle and jemstone of creation and it is clear she was created as companion, to be the equal in every way of Adam-this is the significance of the rib (she wasn't created at his feet no matter how history tries to distort woman's place). the idea of imago Dei or that we were created in God's image has caused unimaginable damage to the rest of creation when assumed because of this we are superior with the right to exploit rather than be stewards and protect the richness of creation. however, from this we also reach a valuable conclusion that all human beings have inherent value and dignity versus the functional dignity that human beings are reduced to in economic terms-judged and valued only for what they can produce and thus the elderly and children become economic baggage. also, the creation stories come from a prospective of abundance not scarcity as in economic theory. abundance is the starting point. thus the sabbath isn't about production, or about efficiency but about rest and rhythm of life that has nothing to do with economic interactions. in the story God says it's not good for adam to be alone and after trying to find a suitable companion among the animal kingdom he creates woman-hence man is by nature social and enters into society versus the individualism that our economic system encourages and produces. the idea of choice is also very interesting because in the story of adam and eve they chooce self awareness, they have free will to make choices versus the shallow ecomic decions we make-where is the freedom in choosing between twenty brands of toothbrushes? i wish i remembered more of this point. the story of cain and abel is relevant as well because after the murder God asks where is your brother? and cain answers 'am i my brother's keeper?' the implied answer is yes, you are. and so in a social world we are indeed required to have social responsiblities to our brothers and sisters-we can't ignore their cries as we continue to hoarde the wealth that capitalism generates while the gap between rich and poor continues to grow. the last OT story that we discussed was Moses and the Exodus. the points were that oppression and inequality do not just happen; they are human choices, human decions-Pharoh dictated that the people were enslaved. Furthermore, God liberates. when moses askes who this god is who's calling him to a crazy mission because there were so many gods he answers with the name I AM. i've always wondered about that one, sure things get lost in translation but it's still weird. but the name means absolutely nothing until God acts, and what is his first action? the first thing he does is liberate and free the oppressed: this isn't just a reform, he completely destorys the system.
the more i'm down here and the more our group discusses i notice when more and more when i'm walking around numb-numb to the poverty on the streets and the begging, dirty kids asking for a peso, the three kids who came into the clinic the other day with their grandma three of a family of eight kids with a drug addict dad and a mom that works, numb to the stories of the maquila women who work up to 24 hour shifts and get fired with no compensation or get cut for working too much overtime trying to put food on the table and they are literally killing themselves working so hard. so it's that or the incredible weight of sadness and disbelief at what we as human beings have done to other people. i couldn't help but cry on the bus when we went to la chureca talk about being uncomfortable and at the same time acutely aware of each and every feeling of overwhelming sadness, anger, disgust, repentance damnit it was so fucking hard. i don't have the vocabulary to put it into words, how do you put an experience like that on white paper or a computer screen i guess, it's too clean to sanitary too removed from the reality. how do you rationalize kids working and living in garbage and not just that but breathing nauseating fumes every second of every day and squinting through the smoke, tasting the smell in their throats-you wonder what hell is like and i think i could take you there. vultures for effect. so where is this liberating god? good question where the hell are we? God had nothing to do with people living in garbage but that doesn't mean he's abandoned them, you look someone in the eyes and they're just another person living in this hell on earth-if could have been me, why wasn't it? so what good are words when the world is so fucked up. the only time i feel fire is when we talk about breaking the system, dreaming that another world is possible and not only that but that we have to be the ones to change it. so how do i even think about going home in a month and going back to my jesuit university that costs more a year than the combined income of pretty much everyone packed like sardines on a dozen buses? i repeat things are messed up. i hope someone says we're radical, that we're living out something of the truth we've experience here, if not we've failed. what good is theology if it doesn't touch your life, what good is anything if you don't live it?

so i'll preface this by saying i'm not personally attacking anyone here nor do i want to come off as preachy or self-righteous because the truth is i'm just as stuck in this sickness as anyone else. so our last couple theology classes were taught by Michael Barram, a professor at St.Mary's in San Fransisco. He teaches a course there entitled wealth and poverty in the Bible and i really liked the guys ideas so here in outline fashion i'll try to present them. so first as further preface he takes up the assumption that we believe in the bible, which i know is quite a leap of faith especially when you begin to ask hermenutical questions. so in the bible it says you cannot serve two masters- it's either God or mammon (wealth) but you can't be the slave to both. from the very beginning it's tremendously improtant to notice the language of such a statement- the terms of slavery and conversely freedom are framed in this dicotomy from the get-go. So Barram also notes that in our present-day society (the US and western Europe) the worship of mammon, in the form of consummerism and capitalistic systems has become a religion and we as human beings are the slaves of wealth. So in a world where the 5% of developed countries control 85% of the world's income we must look at the values this system holds that causes this gross inequality and sustains it as the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Again Barram treats it as a problem of values, which even when unconcious are pivotal to everything we do. the presuppostions and assumptions that we bring with us along with our values shape reality. indeed who can argue that within the states we have created our won reality, our own world in which a two story house, two car garage, picket fense and 2.5 kids is normal. it must be conceded that how we interpret reality has everything to do with our social surroundings as well as our values and pressupositions this is known by some as social location. clearly my reality as a college in the US is far removed from Nicaragua and the families i see at the health center and in the neighborhood struggling to just survive. The funny thing is while this seems obvious-that reality is flexible and quite diverse in different parts of the world the discipline of economics fails to take this into account. The field is taught as a set of facts, with a sense of inevitability and moved to the abstract realm of mathematical calculation with the sacrafice of values. the god the economy serves, few can argue differently, is mammon. it's to the point where, philosophically, we can't even think differently, we can't dream of a world that opperates differently. So for a quick history lesson in 1776 Adam Smith wrote the Wealth of Nations and in this book emphasized two things: the division of labor as a way to increase production and Laissez-faire or a setting free, hands off approach to the market. While originally the man wrote about producing more wealth in every nation to the betterment of all peoples and as a moral philosopher harped on the need to distribute this new wealth being produced because according to him while every one person gets wealthy, 500 fall through the cracks and thus it must be the government of some other body to step up and redistribute the money. However, the proponents of neo classical economics took all moral concern out of Smith and stressed impersonal market forces. positive economics or facts became the center while normative economics got taken out of the equation completly. additionally, the theory is based on the idea of equilibrium, based on ideal situations and the idea that everyone has full information. but of course, there is a priviledge of information and it serves the wealthy. all this is to say that postivie vs normative economics sets up a false dichotomy becaue even facts are laden with values, if history teaches us nothing else it is this-we as human beings are never truly objective. So i´ll treat each of three areas according to the neo-classical theory and then, later, the Bible. So firtly human nature. in econ it's based on the scarcity of resources. competition exists to create a winner and a loser and the individual becomes homo economicus: an econmic chooser who chooses among scare resources seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. furthermore, we choose based on utility and the hb is redued to a mechanism because everything else we do when we aren't consuming, mainly our value system, is hard to measure and exceedingly difficult to chart. words like good fair just appropriate when it comes to economics and consumign go out the window...we don't ask ourselves if everyone needs a new car, an ipod, a new computer but the marketers only care about the question will it sell? and thus our value as hb's is a functional value based on what we can produce. the one with more purchasing power is more valuable, it's everywhere- i can go to the private hospital and have state of the art tests and treatments while a Nicarguan kid from a broken family in managua has to come wait in line at my health care center where sometimes we don't have the medication he needs or we miss the diagnosis because there were one hundred patients in a day seen by two doctors. we seem fine with the idea that those who don't have are inherently worthless, they get pushed to the margins, we try to hide them from our sight and take their voice so we can sleep peacefully at night. Secondly, society. so in neo-classical econ society doesn't really exist except when two people enter into a monetary trasaction, otherwise relationships mean nothing. there is no gut level responsiblity for one's neighboor because we are not inherently connected, rather the individual seeks one´s own well being and autonomy. there is no such thing as the common good or social well being, only sharholders matter and who gives a damn about who produces the goods or what they get paid? freedom is an interesting word, especially in the US of A. while originally it could be understood as freedom from tyranny during the French and American revolution now we use it interchangeably with autonomy: i'll do what i want, back the hell off and i don't give a shit about you. thirdly, progress. we measure this in terms of GDP growth and clearly no one cares how that wealth is being distributed-so the elites get richer, and the poor get poorer that was inevitable right? so mutating the idea of laissez-faire for personal gain the deregulation of companies as far as the environment and labor laws go is appaling. in this reality, one competes energetically to beat the competition and if I do well and don't help anyone else there is no blame, i don't have any moral responsiblity because i worked hard and clearly everyone else didn't. this is success right? buying that house and car and maybe if I give a couple bucks to charity i´ll be a good person. I hope the page is bleeding sarcasm quite obviously but i'll web these ideas together with biblical themes when i find my notes.
i wanted to describe a scene from my day today in URO at the centro de salud. So URO can get boring but today i enjoyed the sight of two kids pucking their guts out, several adults and babbies pooping into plastic bags and then carrying them to the lab themselves. it took five second year med students to take one old man's temperature, the whole time glancing over their sholders to stare at me some more. i listened to the man's stomach sounds' later with a stethoscope. women randomly whip out their boob and start breast feeding, everytime i think first gross and then how kristin would say it was beautiful. i have offically mastered the mercury thermometer, it was getting exceedingly embarassing to not be able to find that stupid line of mercury. i finally wore my white coat to work and go compliments on being more professional even if i was still wearing sandals. i rode the bus home delighting in my oreo cookies and deciding to walk for a far bus stop because i just didn't have it in me to yell parada.

so two days ago already i started my social service which is really not much of a service on my part but more like me standing akwardly and trying to learn as much as possible and fumble through spanish at one of the biggest public health clinics in the city of managua. i´ve been in the emergency room to date, to give an idea of what i´m talking about here the emergency room has four main tasks or stations if you will. the first is nebulization which consists of a main nebulizer pump with four connected masks, the patient-usually a baby-sits and breaths in the vapor to help with respiratory difficulties. i´m pretty familiar with this from my own experience with asthma and having my sweet pink nebulizer but it makes me cringe when i see the method of sanitizing the masks after each patient-letting them soak in soapy water-and then taking them out one by one as needed without changing the water everytime. the next station is where i get to actually do something, taking blood pressures, temperatures and pulses, respirations. i´m ashamed to admit for the life of me i can´t read a mercury thermometer, i never have been able to and it´s lame to try to explain everything in the states is electronic. blood pressures are also old school por supuesto. there are four doctors i´ve met who work every day in the emergency room-three men and one woman. they have at most a five minute conversation with the patient and then proceed to write an average of three perscriptions and sometimes a referral. i saved the best station for last, this is where they 'curar' people which consists of a tray that is in no way sterile that has nylon gloves, a bottle of water, bottle of liquid soap and bottle of betadine. the wound is washed until screams are illicited, then rubbed with more soap and water and gauze. then if it´s an open wound they proceed to squeeze and squeeze pus or blood or other colored excretions from the wound. all of this done without numbing and is incredibly painful. they also stitch peoples wounds up and gratefully use local anesthetic. i´m amazed by the amount of people who injure themselves with machetes, maybe it´d be more understandable in the campo but managua is perhaps the most urban city i´ve been to in central america, croweded, loud, polluted, i don´t see any vegatation or open land where one could even need to use a machete but they find their way to the clinic, mostly with mangled feet. the wounds so dirty, literally filled with dirt and wrapped with a dirty t-shirt soaked with blood that i´m suprised i haven´t seen more patients with terrible infections returning to the clinic. i´ve been talking with the different doctors and especially the medical students who are there doing most of the work. mostly the doctors sit and read the newspaper, there is a male auxiliary nurse who runs around practically running the place in the afternoon once the students leave for class. the other day was particularly exciting because doctor romero taught me how to suture. i practiced on a piece of paper and everything, so this was around noon and he told me if a patient came needing sutures before it was time for me to leave the i´d have to try out my new skills. i was terrified that someone would actually come before i had to leave at one. fortunately for them no one came the next hour in need of stitches. i get so excited to think i´m so close to getting to participate and really help people out but at the same time it becomes drastically clear how many years of school i have yet to go. i met a second year student who was only 18 the other day and i couldn´t help be a little jealous, he was spending his mornings in the clinic getting to learn how to suture while i was studying chemistry and physics, sometimes i wonder why it was necessary. but i know that it´ll be worth it because i can see myself doing this day in and day out, i get so excited and itching to see more, learn more that i know i´ll never run out of passion, run out of desire to learn more, to help more.
i´m so behind in writing about theology classes that it is shameful. Rafael Adagon was our first lecturer after Luis that is, he´s a dominican priest who is originally from Spain but has been living and working in Nicaragua for years now. he stressed a couple points, first that LT has it´s roots in the prophetic tradition of the Bible and focuses on groups that are marginilized, excluded, and on the periphery. The OT prophets of conversion succeced in two main aspects, criticizing the political institutions of the time and calling for justice according to God´s will. secondly, they condemned the religious practices that legitimized these injustices. he also sites that the novelty of the CBC's is their analysis of reality. they are able to illuminate the causes of oppresion out of their own reality and experience. the methodology is to see, judge, and then act. their hope exists as an attitude of conversion. the other point i most identify with is that LT stresses the social and structural sin over the personal and calls for transcendence. there are lots of pages of notes left to remember and write about but i´ll leave that for later.
so random experiences that i´ve had, first the buses suck especially when they are filled to capacity and gross men block the exit so that i have to squeeze past them and resort to physical violence just to get off the moving bus that´s about to leave me behind. the bus stops are also intense at times, the other day in the rain there was a man beggin in the street, in the middle of the street. at first we thought he´d fallen off of a bus and was injured because he looked like he was trying to stand up and couldn´t. clearly something was wrong with him, drugs or alcohol or some other physical maledy and he was almost run over several times as people did nothing, including me. i felt frozen and scared and absolutely clueless as to how to respond to the situation. was i supposed to run out into the street and try to help him and risk my life when who knows if he even needed or wanted help. it was strange, surreal almost to just stand there and watch. tomorrow we are going to the garbage dump where people live and work to recover recycleables to try to survive. people literallly living like animals in a garbage dump. it´s hard to wrap my mind around it much less see it with my own eyes. vamos a ver manana. i´m already sad. how do you begin to comprehend people living and eating decomposing meat, fighting flies and vultures and cows for the waste of others. and shouldn´t that mean more than it does, how can someone not be affected? not feel the weight that their fellow human beings are bearing? it´s heavy and it´s only getting heavier the more we learn, the more we come to know.

so in 1990 to the amazement of pretty much everybody the sandinistas lost power to a new neoliberal government. the only thing these 14 political parties had in common was that they wanted the sandinistas out of power and they believed violeta chomorro was the best candidate to do so. what violeta stood for in most people´s eyes was peace, with 55% of the vote she defeated the fsln (45%). this new government lessened state holdings and state power that the sandinistas had won with arms and increased the private sector with the privitization of things like health, water, electricity... even with the back¡ng of the imf and wb the economy still was looking grim with 33,000% inflation if you can imagine. Aleman was the next president who is infamous for his corruption and paricularly of pocketing much of the aide that came after hurrican mitch. his party, the PLC, were liberals and were anti violeta and anti sandinista by definition. this era revovled around making accomodations in order to segure the forgiveness of foreign debt from HIPC and in order to do so the government decreased social services and invested in things like tourism and casinos. the coffee crisis of 01 had deep impact on the poorest campesinos as they lived under bridges literally starving to death without a strong reponse from the government. the food for work program did little to alleviate the problem. aleman and ortega made a political pact in 1999 to eliminate party pleuralism and in doing so tried to secure both their places in government, in power and in corruption. in 98 allegations that ortega had abused a family member came out in the media and evoked a reformation and new image for ortega spear headed by his wife, now his billboards are in soft, happy colors like pink, yellow and blue instead of the black and red that people associated with war and death. from 01-06 Bolanos, the vp of aleman whose claimt to fame was his strong stance against corruption succeded in having aleman put on trial and did absolutely nothing else. his 'war on corruption' however meant sacrificing his political party, the plc, for only a 20 year sentence for aleman which has ranged from house arrest to country arrest. with no party he had zero executive power and simply vetoed every legistlative agenda and vice versa. while aleman had stolen millions of dollars he had put up signs in the campo claiming to be investing in that sector of society, the man literally showed up and only put up a sign but the people felt like they were being helped, not being forgotten. bolanos however dropped all pretext and invested soley in the urban sector, with the belief that cheap labor is all nicaragua has to compete in the ever increasing globalized market. here are just some of the results: as of 06 nicaragua is the second poorest country in the western hemisphere with 85% of the population living on less that $2 a day, 45% on less than $1. 44% have no access to water although luis has been quoted saying the rich have supernatural powers because where previously there has been no water, someway they can make it appear. today the right and left are more polarized than ever and due to the pact one needs only 35% of the vote to win with a 5 spread margin. it´s funny to see western unions in communities that lack electricity...nicaraguans leave to el salvador and costa rica and the us in search of better opportunity. 700 salvadorans leave for the states per day. nicaragua is different from other central american countries according to aynn because people are aware of their rights as a direct result of the revolution of the legacy of sandino and fronseca. they know how to creatively organize. for her, the us is a numbing society, like walking around with anesthesia becasue of the complacency of individuals in the states. what gives her hope is seeing measurable change in a small country like nicaragua when the us is just so big. she recounted a nicaraguan saying in english for us, 'there´s never been so much country in such a little heart'. i´m not sure that i can judge for myself if this is true or not, nor if it will be possible after just two months here. i can say that the theologians we have met are full of truth and some to me have been prophetic. but other people will tell you the revolution is dead, that people here are just going about living their daily lives and struggling to survive. it´s easy to romantize revolution, la lucha, the collective dreams of a people. was it ever as good as people remember? the point that sticks out to me is that they succeeded, yeah we crushed them with low intensity warfare and now i get to see kids´ ribs sticking out on the street and hear about the ally in mercado oriental were ten year olds sell their bodies for 5 cordobas (a quarter) because they have no food. but if we are to learn from history, the ideals that the sandinistas had were revolutionary, in the beginnning they wanted to help the poor of their country realize the dream for a dignified life. i can´t say i believe that is what my government´s dream is, either domestically or certainly not abroad. i have hope that change is possible, that social movements can revolutionize a country. so do i think obama will win the election? do i think that even if he does he can really change the course the us is on? i don´t have an answer, but i have hope that we´ll wake up from our complacency, our numbness before we start some more wars. there are still some beautiful things that i get to see here, it´s not all misery and politics. we went to laguna de apoyo this past weekend which is a volcanic lake that is incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful. we met and talked with a social activist from israel over our dinner of spagetti, potatoes, and tona and some more of the world´s realities intruded on our paradise. but like i said there is still beauty, some of the best poetry ever written comes from this country. i don´t know where else i´d fit this in so it might as well be now. this poem speaks for itself:
Cancion de Otono en Primavera
Juventud, divino tesoro,
!ya te vas para no volver!
cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer.

plural ha sido la celeste
historia de mi corazon.
Era una dulce nina, en este
mundo de duelo afliccion.

miraba como el alba pura;
sonreia como una flor.
Era su cabellera obscura
hecha de noche y de dolor.

Yo era timido como un nino.
Ella, naturalmente, fue,
para mi amor hecho de armino,
Herodias y Salome...

Juventud, divinio tesoro,
!ya te vas para no volver!
cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer...

Y mas conoladora y mas
halagandora y expresiva
la otra fue mas sensitiva
cual no pense encontrar jamas.

pues a su continua ternura
una pasion violenta unia.
En un peplo de gasa pura
una bacante se envolvia...

en sus brazos tomo mi ensueno
y lo arrullo como a un bebe...
y le mato, triste y pequeno,
falto de luz, falto de fe...

Juventud, divino tesoro,
!te fuiste para no volver!
cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer

Otra juzgo que era mi boca
el estuche de su pasion;
y que me roeria, loca,
con sus dientes el corazon.

Poniendo en su amor de exceso
la mira de su voluntad,
mientras eran abrazo y beso
sintesis de la eternidad;

y de nuestra carne ligera
imaginar siempre un Eden,
sin pensar que la Primavera
y la carne acaban tambien...

Juventud, divino tesoro
!ya te vas para no volver!
cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer...

!y las demas! En tantos climas,
en tantas tierras siempre son,
si no pretextos de mis rimas
fantasmas de mi corazon.

En vano busque a la princesa
que estaba triste de esperar.
La vida es dura. Amarga y pesa.
!ya no hay princesa que cantar!

Mas a pesar del tiempo terco,
mi sed de amor no tiene fin;
con el cabello gris, me acerco
a los rosales del jardin...

Juventud, divino tesoro,
!ya te vas para no volver!
cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer...

!mas es mia el Alba de oro!

so that´s it, i wish i were a poet. i´ll translate the part i like best: when i want to cry, i don´t cry and at times i cry without wanting to. it´s much better in spanish. me voy.

so here are the positives of the revolution aynn layed out, it seems appropriate to begin with pros rather than cons-the glass is half full right? so number one, obviously overthrowing Somoza and his cruel dictatorship was good; unless of course you were Somoza, the national guard, or the oligarghy. second pro was the relationship with USSR and Cuba the Sandanistas enjoyed. the education and helath initiatives are famous and should be read about somewhere else cuz quite honestly I don't know that much. also the agrarian reform is denoted a positive, the process in which the Sandinistas gave land to the peasants in the form of cooperatives. here a problem arises in the manner that they did so, the revolution must be understood as an urban revolution and when this military junta applied these good ideals and intentions to the campo they failed to translate. this lack of cultural sensitivity to the needs and wants of the rural campesinos led to a miscommunication of immense proportions and economic decline. in the first years after the triumph, women's rights were also realized, no billboards could have the image of a woman in order to sell a product. sadly, the situation changed and on March 8,88 Daniel was quoted saying the role of women in Nicaraguan society was to have more babies to fight in the army. The revolution tends to be romantized, especially looking back at what could have been. but the truth is the sandinistas made mistakes apart from what the US and low intensity contra war did. economic discontent was wide spread, as a result from the agrarian reform, and lack of food and supplies during the war years. civil rights were suspended, particularly the censorship of the newspapers and religion. for example mormons and jehovah's witnesses were kicked out of the country on suspicion of working for the CIA. Perhaps the worst, gravest mistake made was what the army did to the indigenous population that lives on the east coast, the atlantic coast. again the sandanistas failed to have cultural sensitivity and removed the mestizos from their sacred land along the river and forced migrations cost thousands of lives. ahh this is so long, i'll write more later about the years 90 till present, after the sandanistas lost power due to the power of the vote. sorry i suck at keeping up to date, but we have hardly any time it seems to be at the ciber. hasta pronto.

so i´ve been procrastinating writing down what we learned from a lecture from aynn setright about the history of nicaragua but i need to before i forget more than i already have. so to start with the geographical location of nicaragua has had an immense impact on the countries history-it´s the belly button of the Americas. Sandino is perhaps the oldest national hero and still revered today, in fact we went to a concert of sorts for Sandino´s birthday one of the first days we were here. His silouette is everywhere, including the top of a hill central in the city where we went on our historic tour, where Somoza´s presidential palace used to be before the earthquake. Sandino was mainly and most importantly anti-imperaliastic (against the US of course) in the thirties when the marines came to Nicaragua and he led the armed force to kick the marines out of the country. In ´34 the Us condoned his assasination after getting in with the first of the three Somozas. Somoza invited Sandino to the presidential palace and had him ambushed on the road home so the story goes, thus inaugurating decades of cruel dictatorship sponsored by the US of A. from 35-39 the main aim of the US was economic stability and as such the dictatorship was lo mejor. The affects of this alliance can be seen from something as simple as the name of Somoza´s army-the national guard. hand in hand with Somoza was the oligarghy which consisted of the economic elite and a handful of families: often there is made reference to the three p´s in Somoza´s philosophy for running a country: plata=money for my friends; plomo= bullets for my enemies; and palo=sticks for the undecided. It also must be noted that the catholic church had historically alligned itself with the side of power up until the 80´s. During the dictatorship there was no such thing as community development, and economic relations between nica and the us came at the expense of the majority, the poor. so in 72 was the infamous quake that killed 10,000 people and destroyed the city of managua...todavia there are buildings that i have no idea how they are still standing. the last Somoza, Anastasio Debalye, used the tragedy to make some more money and had the city blocked off not for health reasons, not for safety reasons, but so that the national guard could loot all the businesses more effectively. The cuban revolution of 59 and the resulting national liberation movements fueled the flames for nicaragua´s own revolution which manifested in the FSLN which drew on Sandino´s and Fronseca´s ideas of the right of self-determination in a country that had never been allowed any autonomy, any voice in their own nation. Also important to note was the conference in Medellin in 68 in which liberation theology took real shape and which lead to a change in paradigm, or a shift in foregin policy from economic stability to human rights (all this is according to aynn). Out of this also came the CBC´s in which the people came to the table to reflect on lived experience and rediscover a Jesus who was human, was sweating on the streets just like they were and was present in their struggle. The biggest problem these communities faced was the dictatorship and they supported the revolution, if not by taking up arms in other ways. 79 is known as the triumph when Somoza´s statue is fallen in the main plaza and millions of Nicaraguans arrived in Managua celebrating and celebrating and celebrating some more. I´ll finish this next time dude...

where to start? so for spanish class i get to gossip (chismear) in the kitchen with the cooks and other women who work at the school. its great! i still hate speaking alot, especially about myself but i love to listen. just really sit there and listen to people speak-about the double standard women face, about anas boring husband, about dancing and fiestas and tele novelas and code names for bosses. the thing about another language is that firstly it sucks but secondly you really have to listen, all the time with intense focus to not loose the thread of the conversation and your brain is speeding ahead to try to piece together a response to the question you know theyre going to ask you. i still cant wrap my mind around how people can be comepletely fluent in two languages, it seems impossible to me especially as i realize more and more maybe i was born without the talent to pick up languages-but ive never shied away from an academic challenge (well maybe thats not true, but for the most part it is). so instead of kitchen gossip, the other day ryan and i and ana and yamy (like how i cant spell even in spanish?) went to the market to buy a literal mountain of fruits and vegetables and meat for the center. we went to mercado israel which is more expensive than other markets like mercado oriental becasue the vendors actually buy the produce at five in the morning and hall it to this other market but supposedly there are less people so that makes it more desireable. so as were walking along i among the usual audible shouts and whispers about being gringa, chela, bonita, linda, etc etc i actually got asked "how much" as in how much for sex...ive tried to explain how normally these comments-rude, vulgur, and devaluing-dont bother me because i just ignore them or pretend i dont speak any spanish but this one guy in particular i wanted to knock down to the ground, and im pretty sure i could have i had to have been a good five inches taller then he was. but i supressed my violent tendency and continued walking and honestly im not that fired up about it anymore. the market has its highlights though, for instance there were live iguanas, crabs, lobsters and almost anything else you could possibly want to buy. i should be better at remembering the names of fruits and vegtables but i need to see them written down, im pretty sure i ate a guyava or something to that effect, then it was made into juice for lunch. we went to our friend maria teresa chomorros house later in the evening and it was a tropical paradise to say the least. i can imagine that her backyard might closely resemble heaven. but i couldnt ignor the juxtapostition of that against a background of barefoot kids who asked for a peso and peered in windows of the suv at us and her driver as we were stopped at the red light. we went to the galleria mall as well and i couldnt help but think it was like lookign into a mirror of ourselves-transported to this place where it seemingly didnt belong- and i have to admitt i didnt like the image that stared back at me. not to belabor the point of this little cuento but it reminded me quite clearly that for all the gray that exists between black and white there are some very real choices that we make, whether we realize it or not. some like to believe that things are always relative, that there is always someone richer, someone poorer. but when that someone who is poorer doesnt live in dignity or cant live at all things stop being realtive really quickly and start moving in the direction of moral black and white, right and wrong. im afraid that im often, if not exclusively on the side of the oppressor, the priviledged and its not an easy truth to be aware of because it calls for action and for change. so while some may view this little summer trip as squandering time and avoiding "real" work i look at it as ingraining a very real truth on my heart that i will never forget, that i couldnt forget even if i wanted to and will move me in a certain direction with my life here on out. im reading three books right now simutaneously, sobrino still, one about the political message of jesus that the center gave us, and then one about buddhism and im really delighted with myself becasue they all compliment one another in increasingly profound ways, which makes sense if no one person or source can have all of the truth. i dont think ill making a career out of blogging, its so hard to put thoughts into any kind of order or for me to make any sense out of a stream of conscious and the really frustrating part is i know im spelling a lot of words horribly wrong and i cant find the freaking spell check or at least get it to work along with the various keys on the keyboard. anyways thats all for now...thanks for my one comment charity! love you:)

time is flying by i cant believe how much weve done already. as a side note i cant figure out how to do caps or apostrophes or anything else on this damn computer, im not being gramatically incorrect on purpose nor did i not capitalize god on purpose. i forget what i already wrote and i lost my thoughts about it anyway...so moving on yesterday we went to grandada which, to me, appeared almost the exact same as antigua, guatemala. luis said that the two cities were the same age and so it makes sense they have the same brightly colored houses lining the streets, old churchs crumbling little by little, and invasive signs in english advertising "breakfast" at "kathys bagel shop"...kristin and i were talking to an older rotartian guy who came along with our group to grandada and i was trying to explain the sadness i feel about globalization. i feel like im running out of time to see these different cities and places before theyre overcrowded with mcdonalds and pizza hut. ive heard my share of arguments about why globalization is a good thing but i remain unconvinced, what is the goal anyway-to raise every countries standard of living to the united states? something is deeply wrong with our culture if you havent noticed, we spend more on the family dog than we give to feed a starving child, we attack iraq and wage war on "terrorism", we do all sorts of disgusting things and i use we because despite many modes of thinking to the contrary we are connected, not just individuals but an entire society. which brings me to sobrinos book no salvation outside the poor. i wrote down quotes cuz its not my book and im not allowed to underline. here are, in my opinion, some of the most striking. "the question is not whether someone looks for god, but whether he looks for god where god himself said he was, in the poor of the world". "its the bargain of our times-in order to save, there is no need for generocity or sacrifice. it recalls the old fallacy:that it is enough to be "poor in spirit", without anysort of participation in real poverty". "solidarity=unequals bearing one another mutually" "the west is still largely sunk in the sleep of cruel inhumanity, ignoring, suppressing, covering over terrible realities for which it is mainly resposible" "the poor dont exist, why is there being instead of nothingness? now it seems there is nothing, and that provokes nothing, no indignation, no protest." "the poor dont even have a name. giving a name means making things real, calling them into existence". to go off the last point, i know i have very little to give for the two months im down here. if anything, i will receive more love, more hospitality, more wisdom than i can possibly repay but the thing is i dont feel worthless, at least not yet. if there is one thing im aiming to accomplish it is to give the poor a name-its so hard to rethink about the work there is to do in "developing" the third world in terms of relationships. Aynn Setright came to speak to us the other day and one of her comments was about the USs relationship with nicaragua and what the future of that relationship will look like. obviously we have nothing to be too proud of, the iran contra scandal and all the harm weve caused and continue to cause the poor of the country, but she made the observation that the places the tourists go have the most people begging for a hand out. the tourists get off their boat, go look for a bathroom, drop some money on sovenirs and get back on the boat. while there can be little doubt that tourism is good for the economy she called into question the good of this relationship and i see the point. can we really believe that were helping the situation in the long run by developing a tourist industry without any focus on education, on healthcare, on community organizing-money doesnt magically fix things. but man did we feel like tourists in granada. the hardest thing of the day was when an old man came and begged for some money, after this speech about how handouts arent the way to sustain real change of the system and the recommendation that we shouldnt give handouts, i had to look into his eyes and say "lo siento" which im pretty sure translates as i feel it (really it means im sorry). but i wasnt lying, i really really felt it. we have so much, so much! and somehow im realizing that its not enought to be grateful for what you have, you have to give it away in a very real way to those who dont have enough...how do we keep accumulating and accumulating when others are dying of hunger elsewhere? its so much harder back home, i think aynn was right on again when she said our american culture is anesthetizing, you walk around feeling numb because just to exist youre burying reality, pushing unplesant thoughts, unpleasant people under a rug until they stop existing to you. but they do exist and they have a name, they have dignity and the thing is were connected to one another-we cant be saved as individuals, by having enough stuff to find happiness, thats what i think sobrino was getting at, no salvation outside the poor, they make us really see, they open our eyes, wake us up from this awful sleep and without them what are we doing? so maybe that made sense, maybe not these were my thoughts for the day and i have to add some of the other stuff we did: ruta maya for fiesta de mayo was a highlight the regae music was amazing and sung by guys with dreads down to their waists. an older afro-caribean guy recited some poetry too with amazing presence. we danced and had flor de cana. the east coast of nicaragua is where the indigenous people still live, they speak english and moskito and so for once i felt like i knew better what was going on than everyone else. my family is the best one in my unbiased opinion. the two boys, bryan and alvaro, are adorable and anita is my new buddy. dona norma is such a great cook that i might come back unrecognizably huge. there are way more people in my family, all great, that im sure ill have stories about late. also to add i checked my mcat scores today and im not devestated so yipee...i might be a spartan after all:)